Between Hope and Desperation

2月１８日（雨）

今日は長かった。今朝何時に起きたか、もう覚えてない。部屋を出る時、ルームメート達はいつものようにまだ寝ていた。寮の前で犬が１０匹ぐらいいて鳴いていて、ずいぶん怖かった。三匹のかわいい子犬が寝ていて、とてもすやすや寝ていたから、犬も夢を見るのかなと思った。

朝は気持ちがいい、何かいいことがきっとありそうな感じがしたけど、時間の流れとともに天気も気持ちもだんだん曇っていった。

授業の後うちに帰るのに二時間もかかって、大混雑のせいで堪らない経験だった。やっと部屋に帰った時、すっかり疲れていた。しかし、仕方がなく、明日のテストのために勉強しなければならなかった。「よし」と自分に言って、「今日は冬休みの前の最後の努力だから、がんばろう！」。そして、今までずっと勉強していた。が、もう疲れて、寝てしまうだろうから、止めることにする。

明日のテストについて困っているが、テストの後で冬休みが始まるから、うれしい。もうすぐ故郷に帰って、家族と一緒にクリスマスを迎えることを楽しみにしている。

残念なことに、うちにパソコンがなく、これからの日記は紙を使って書く。

それでは今日はこれで終わりにしよう。お休み。

Yesterday I had to go to Sofia to deal with all the tedious bureaucracy of getting one’s room. And I had one of those days when all you want to do is damn everything and curse all the time. Well, it was not all that bad. I did get things done and managed to go home, but what a ride I had – the worse in my history of train rides and it is pretty colourful. Of course, the people were interesting, we had a nice chat, they were ok, thank heavens. But all the nerves I wasted, the sleep deprivation, the shit I had to take from officials – I barely made it. The waiting in lines, the moody first year students who had no clue what they were getting themselves into…the spiteful bus driver…and the half bare room…I have high hopes to get this room well, we’ll see about that. It was a rainy, gloomy day yeaterday. As opposed to today when the sun is shining brightly. An aftertaste remains – a reminder of all the stuff I have to do from now on. The responsibilities. The communication. It can be viewed as a good thing or bad, depending on mood. Today…it’s…ambiguous. I hope/apprehend. I am still set on making the best out of it. But it will require a lot of effort. So…til’ later. ≈

• 藍
• 紫
• 橙
• 空が赤く染まる
• 快晴
• 上空
• 流され・流す
• 夕焼けが起こる
• 観察

これは 私の 大変な日本語の 例 です。ほら、 言いたい事が いえません。 そして、各言葉が間違っています。どうもすみません。しかし、 このポスト と 始めて、 将来には もっときれいに 書こうとおもいます。それでは、 これから も宜しく おねがいします。

I want to believe it is possible that such a thing exists, that every person has a great meaning and a specific purpose in life and that  destiny is written out for us in the best possible way and that happiness is ours for the taking if only we would.

i just read Paulo Coelho’s Alchemist and my heart was lifted. So I tought I should keep that feeling for myself to remember when I come here, though I already know I won’t forget it in my heart. I used to think his novels were silly and only fit for brainless models. I still have that negative idea at the back of my mind, but still, I cannot help being touched by the simple words I hope are true, they are so comforting and hopeful.

I wonder what my Personal Legens is, I think I knew it when I was younger. It’s just like he says, with the time I forget about it, and fall for the depression of the rut. These two years past have really taken me away from it, I think. I can only pray that I still will have the chance to follow it if I get the courage. I need to have the courage.

I wanted to quote some of his words, but I can’t. It’s not my place to do it, whoever knows his words will remember them with their heart. The quietude of the golden afternoon I spent reading it gives me a sense of complaissance – I believe it’s true and that worries for an indefinate future are worthless. It is my time to enjoy the present as much as possible and to trust in what is written out for me. Also, in the future I shall try to be worthy of my personal legend.

Also, I wonder, who is the one for me. That one true love that makes all life worthwhile. Everyone has one, many never find theirs. I suppose I won’t either, but I still wonder who he is.

And is it possible that my heart knows everything? I guess I must learn to listen to it closely, because it could be the way to my happiness. I hope I find that way and learn those skills.

Someday I wish I can understand the voice of that all-knowing-soul of the Universe, to be part of it, no regrets. For now I will just wait to see how it goes, to be quiet so that I can hear.Ψ

Today I’m giving up my room, getting my bags and going home. My stomach is uptight, I am nervous. I know I will be back, but not for so long and I feel this is the end of an era.I was in this room for such a long time. (more…)

…The tough get going.Why did I remembered this particular line?It somehow reflects my situation – it got tough and although I myself am far from tough, I too got to go. Mr. Cornell says that he’s seen angels fall from blinding heights and I agree I am nothing so divine. But I don’ t seem to be able to arm myself. So I guess they’ll be replacing me soon. (more…)