Between Hope and Desperation

It’s beginning to become clear how hard this year is going to be. Classes are getting more and more intense, homeworks pile up, teachers give lectures on the crucialty of the forthcoming months…it is really getting to me. My mp3 gave in and no longer provides the much needed emotional uplift and oddly enough, only now I understand how much I have depended upon it to cheer my mood. Without music on those two hour bus tortures back and forth to CIEK I have too much time to dwell on the gloomy side of life. And gloomier it is getting.

I started the year firmly decided to make the best out of it, to not let the bad stuff get to me and to make myself better and more capable at what I do. I still want all that but it seems so much harder now, seeing how the others are managing their lives, mine seems so much the lesser. I try very hard to keep the spirits high, to tell myself  that I am in no way worse and that those things I fail in I can compensate and work harder at. But so far a lot of pep talk and not enough action.

Tanya was here today to get her things in the last days of having this room and ever being our roommate. It hit me that she’s so great and I will miss her. But the free drawers and the empty bed just bring up a new line for me to think upon, my own studies to organize and room to prepare and make useful. It will be interesting to have a new bed and desk, but I will miss my old one. I wish I could have them both and the space in between,but let’s not get greedy.

I have so much to toil at. I look up to Rory for much needed inspiration. Everyone else depresses me with their organization. Studies, job, life…all needs a lot of work. I just hope I can manage it and fear I wouldn’t. But what I have to do is be cheerful and work hard, and everything else willl fall into place. I hope…

The sky is darkened,

gloom outside,

Othelo raves his madness in here,

due tasks before me lie,

beloved ones too far I fear,

A No awaits its answer…

a ground to stand and words to say

I fear I must today.

I know, today I’m in a roll. I just got through most of the day and lots of things happened. Minor things, but stuff that got me thinking, anyway. First, I spent the morning indulging in my creative work, almost convincing myself that it’s ok to do what I love most instead of studying.

Then I had an unexpected visit from Mariya, who is back for the summer and this is the first time I’ve seen her in seven months. We just arranged to meet tomorrow. It was nice seeing her, always lovely to see a friend’s smile. Though I can’t help feeling the time and distance between us. Perhaps we have changed too much since our high-school years. So I am anxious as to what tomorrow will bring – a nice meeting with an old friend or a competitive interview with someone too far away.

Also, I got reading the forums for SU and the second major options and what I got was unnerving results. People seem to think it’s hopeless and too hard. They convey the feeling of desperation. Besides, I realised how much work it would take and that scared me. A lot. And I still have got no work experience or ethics, this will be the end of me, as I said.

Later, I heard from Ves, whom I also have long had no talk with. It was a brief talk, but with a promise of more, it made me happy to know I still got a friend out there.

Meanwhile, I , against all reason, decided to cook the dinner tonight. You know, Japanese style. I will do it well, I hope, but it just gives me so much to do and limits my time,for I have some preparations to do for tomorrow.

Not to forget, right now my sister is shouting at the tv, cheering for our Voleyball team , playing agains Japan on the Olympics. I hope they win, for her sake.

Oh, and , I promise to cook you my specialty someday.♣

Autumn is here and it is so powerful that  overwhelms me.

(more…)

Right now i can’t let myself stay too long writing o I am just gonna hint whats new around me. (more…)

Wow, I must be on a roll today -third entry! This time it’s for the bad indeed. Jobs. Now my mama is saying I should quit my search and go home and study as I should.I put the thought in her head and I am now happy that it’s there. But also strangely ashamed because I am running from responsibility and yet making myself seem innocent about it. (more…)