Between Hope and Desperation

I’ve been busy all month with packing my baggage for the ultimate adventure ahead. And I gladly admit that if it weren’t for my mom and sis, nothing would get done. I am so so lucky to have them on my side, always cheering me on. On Monday we actually packed so now all that’s left is printing my e-ticket and attending a formal goodbye party. This time next week I’ll be waiting at an airport in Frankfurt and surely on my way to a year in Japan. Before starting to write this I spent some time reading some of the stuff I’ve written here so far and it hit me that I’ve done well. Some of the things and emotions I wrote about I had forgotten but now I remembered and realised I’ve spent wonderful three years and now I’m uplifted to hope for an even more wonderful year fulfilling a dream. Today I finished reading James Joyce’s ” A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man” and I felt very connected to Stephen Dedalus and his feelings. I can only hope that a bright future should await him and me alike. There certainly are people who believe it or wish to believe it. But during my three years of life as a student and relatively away from my home and oving family I somehow learned a thing or two about the complicatedness of life and people. And reading about Stephen I realise it’s true – people and their opinions on things and oneself are something not to be allowed to guide one. In other words, I have to stop counting on others and worrying about their feelings and opinions so much, and start depending on myself much more. On the other hand I would never want to be an egotistical maniac listening to me only and isolating myself from the world. I guess that will prove to be a problem of yet unknown proportion considering that I am much more the latter than the first and not sure if the first is all that good anyway. I suppose this is not the time and place to figure out who I am and who I want to be – this is a long process I’ve started since I can remember and though I have made several observations, I will not call it quits, not before the end of this year in Japan ( I am placing great hopes on it) and certainly not before I’m gone from the world entirely, because in truth I don’t believe self-discovery should or can stop, ever. What a blabberishly long sentence, wow. I wanted to quote some of Dedalus’s thoughts, but I decide against it, let those who want to read it find their truths for themselves, I will not press upon which books are good and deserving, I’m not that big on literature. I can only mention if a book has touched me in a way, that’s all. And reading my own stuff proves I like the sound of my own voice, written as it may be. Bad? Ok? Not sure yet..it does brings me some hope and ambition, but only others’ opinion will prove it worthy or not. Once again,a conflict with my own understanding of how much others should influence me. A big one yet to be determined. I guess I’ll stop for now and hope to come back soon with happy reports

Най-добрите ми приятели в момента са извън територията на държавата, две от тях заминаха на една и съща дата, през нощта, и ме оставиха сама, поне докато и аз не замина към далечното и непознатото. И с тях си отлетя и лятото, оставиха ме в есента, под дъжда и в студа…а проблемите са така надвиснали, че дори семейството понякога не стига, за да разсее облаците над главата ми. Очаквам прояснение, но засега вали…

Yeah, today was the day of the big fireworks and the brass orchestra! And it was great Usually I stay home during such events, but today, for some unknown reason (perhaps this being my summer before leaving and all) I went all the way up to the square and spent the evening in the chilly air together with my family and the majority of townfolk, listening to the deafening music under a sky, falling down with colour. It was a great evening! Ever after we sat down and made a list with things to do this September, I’ve calmed down and have been feeling quite the busy bee, trying to get as much of the chores done. We acomplished some today, so I am now basking in the feeling of a day well spent. There is no better feeling in the world, I think, especially if it’s really well deserved. So, I hope now for lots and lots of those days and such emotions in the future ))

In the upcoming year I expect to be doing a lot of  speaking about Japan, and while I’ m certain there would be plenty of thoghts and feelings to share, I figured I needed a separate place for the more practical and more jp-oriented stuff, so I created a new blog for that. For anyone willing to read more about it – I’ll be posting the address soon Till then, all the best!