Between Hope and Desperation

It’s beginning to become clear how hard this year is going to be. Classes are getting more and more intense, homeworks pile up, teachers give lectures on the crucialty of the forthcoming months…it is really getting to me. My mp3 gave in and no longer provides the much needed emotional uplift and oddly enough, only now I understand how much I have depended upon it to cheer my mood. Without music on those two hour bus tortures back and forth to CIEK I have too much time to dwell on the gloomy side of life. And gloomier it is getting.

I started the year firmly decided to make the best out of it, to not let the bad stuff get to me and to make myself better and more capable at what I do. I still want all that but it seems so much harder now, seeing how the others are managing their lives, mine seems so much the lesser. I try very hard to keep the spirits high, to tell myself  that I am in no way worse and that those things I fail in I can compensate and work harder at. But so far a lot of pep talk and not enough action.

Tanya was here today to get her things in the last days of having this room and ever being our roommate. It hit me that she’s so great and I will miss her. But the free drawers and the empty bed just bring up a new line for me to think upon, my own studies to organize and room to prepare and make useful. It will be interesting to have a new bed and desk, but I will miss my old one. I wish I could have them both and the space in between,but let’s not get greedy.

I have so much to toil at. I look up to Rory for much needed inspiration. Everyone else depresses me with their organization. Studies, job, life…all needs a lot of work. I just hope I can manage it and fear I wouldn’t. But what I have to do is be cheerful and work hard, and everything else willl fall into place. I hope…