Between Hope and Desperation

Is a film that  I saw tonight. I am not saying it was a nice film, actually, it was quite disturbing. I was irritated by it and yet I couldn’t stop watching it. I guess that is what good movies are like, so the movie must be good, in a way.

What struck me about it was not the pretty face of leading actor Billy Crudup, though they kept insisting on how pretty it was. I liked the way a guy leaves a family to travel and search for his own identity that he never knew he had and lost. All sort of weird things happen to him during his travels, it is clear he is not a good person, or if he is, it is very deep in him. But he keeps going, mostly because he is never happy at any one place, he said “it never changes” , all was the same to him. Imagine that – being at such a standstill that even leaving your life and going around the country do not draw you out of it. After all his wrongs he decided to do at least on e good and so tried to help a woman, who was even more destitute than him, but he couldn’t even do that. Finally he got to the source of all the evils in his life – the home of his father who had left him when he was a kid himself. The father said he had done it because he wanted a better life. After some thought in front of the most beautiful view of the ocean , his mind traveled back to all the places he has been to lead him to his own house and his son. He realised he belonged somewhere already and had  a better life there. So he returned. A special favourite of mine was the moment he stood at the door, hesitating on weather to knock or unlock with his own key. He really conveyed the feeling of anxiety at the unknown, the love that filled his heart and the fear it would be rejected. And then he came in and his son run up to him and hugged him and it was such a sweet scene to see how he started breathing with relief and then, on seeing the raging, unforgiving look of his wife he tensed again. Eventually her eyes became more lenient and I believe he  was forgiven and relieved a bit, though all the explaining and consequences were left to our imagination. The movie ended but I was not disappointed by the end. He had already solved his biggest problem, that of dissatisfaction and being lost.

This movie made me think of my own confinements and life. Would I have the will to go and abandon everything in search of my true self. I think I need something like that though I fear I am one of those small people who could never do it. I have no means of meeting new people or even keeping contact with the old acquaintances. My list of names in Skype amounts to three friends, a sister, and a few colleagues. Skype name lists is what I consider a sign about what sort of person one is. And I am not a people’ s person. I have few friends, and even that hangs on a thread. I hate comparing myself but I inevitably do it and thus feel really depressed.

I wish I could be a world traveler and brave myself out of this grey existence someday.

And the leading actor was cute, aren’t they all. He had brown eyes, which is a nice change from all the blue-eyed out there, though  know I like clear eyes.

The neighbours are listening to some old tracks, including the album of that Dimi guy, who was a singer/doctor. He died a few weeks ago. Now that I heard his songs, I feel sorry for him , he had a pretty wife and a kid. It’s a waste. Also, a student on a brigade in the USA had an accident of some sort and died there. Also a waste, tragic. His poor family…I do not know why I turned suddenly on that subject. I guess it is the fact I am up at 23:25 and sleepy, but in need of writing anything. Besides, the movie got me thinking about life and how it can be good or bad and yet the same, depending on how you look at it.

So, yes, I complain a lot, but people die and it is sad and more important. I am not sure whether to pity them or not. Life. I suppose you have to look at it from many various angles before you pass a judgement on it. And it can never be final. There always is the next day, and when there is no tomorrow anymore, who knows what happens. I find that thought comforting. But life holds surprises only if you know how to make use of them. So far I don’t know that. That is why World Traveler affected me so – it rode the wave of adventure and despite the fact it didn’t show much adventure, it showed a person’s way to find some answers. And that is what I need, too.

If you are still wondering, i recommend the film. See if you like it.♣