Between Hope and Desperation

Is what has kept my mind busy for the last couple of days. I am craving to sit down here and write everything I see, hear and feel in painstaking detail. And something always stops me from doing so, mostly laziness, exhaustion and distractedness.

But every morning I walk out of this room and see the sunshine on the gravel path and the yellow and orange flower beds and the little fountain and then the poplars and the willow and the other trees and then there’s Vitosha on the close horizon and all that sun and cheerfullness really soak up in me and I feel I must write about it.

Then I always take the bus for the 2 minute drive to T’s stop where I wait for her for another 10 minutes, listening to my music, enjoying the morning chill and making up stories about the people at the bus stop, especially for the occasional good-looking boy, who unfortunately gets a bus before T is come and i am left with the curious feeling of probably having met and missed the potential love of my life. Well, I do realise there is little danger of that, besides, I do love already. Yet it is nice to see those pretty boys. One of the bright aspects of living here.

And then T.comes finally and I put away my music with a small pang and get to cheerfully discussing the dreadful prospects of the coming day and the unpleasant aspects of the previous. I am afraid we are quite the pessimistic pair with her. Perhaps that is a bad thing.

On the bus we talk about trifles and finally arrive at CIEK where we are to receive our pill of knowledge for the day. Knowledge should not be such an unpleasant idea in my mind. I should reform. Well…Tonight i will not talk about the colleagues and the not-so-nice emotions I am connecting them with.

When classes are over, at about one in the afternoon, (poor teacher, she is the closest to a saint i have ever known, but more on that later), we go back to our rooms after an hour journey on creepy busses. For the second day i return to an empty room, which I really am far from minding at all, but it gets old. It’s nice to have the room to myself, though, to leisurely take my shower and have my lunch, to take a 30-minute nap and then ,ideally, to get to studying. Today I only got to more time-wasting with T on Skype, anyway. Hot, yellow afternoons of either listening to my music and studyng, or just resting, at any rate it bores me.

The evenings are even worse, nothing on tv, some random internet browsing, reading of some fanfic, which is always nice. From the constant dread of expecting a roommate to return, I never got to writing here, so far, and many of my ideas were lost, unfortunatelly.

That is the main reason why now I am doing the accounting work, and not the creative. Sorry. Besides, it’s past my bedtime and I have to make an early morning tomorrow if i ever want to catch up with the homework and the lessons. While many of the others are going to hike the mountain. I envy a bit, but am annoyed at their vigour more. It’s not natural to be so enthusiastic about everything and cope with everything in the midst of so much work to do. Maybe it’s me who is slow and inadequate. Right now I don’t really care. I have this. And it can only get better.

That’s what the past few days have been like. The first of the summer course, which brought much disappointment with it. Well, it’s not so bad,  hope to have more of the creative buzz from now on. Hope to be back soon.