Between Hope and Desperation

Autumn is here and it is so powerful that  overwhelms me.

 Right now I am at the club, just finished my work for the day, listening t a wonderful piano piece from ‘Alias” and feeling SAUDAJ over my fate. I am miserable about going back to the university, especially after yesterday when I was reminded of how awful it is. I know I didn’t think so when the summer began and I came back here, but I do now. And I am terribly lonely without my sister who, too , is in university now. How bad she must feel. Mama will stay alone and sad at the empty house and all three of us separated and drowned in their different problems – I don’t know – maybe it will break us. I know I feel down about it.

And that awful Japanese. I am less and less sure about it. I shall keep fighting but there is not much strength or desire to fight left. I just pray for guidance, for a meaning in life. As always.

I hold on to Will(Hunting), Alias, House, Nikita, of course, music, and my family. And that’s about it. Pray for us.