Between Hope and Desperation

I’ve been busy all month with packing my baggage for the ultimate adventure ahead. And I gladly admit that if it weren’t for my mom and sis, nothing would get done. I am so so lucky to have them on my side, always cheering me on. On Monday we actually packed so now all that’s left is printing my e-ticket and attending a formal goodbye party. This time next week I’ll be waiting at an airport in Frankfurt and surely on my way to a year in Japan. Before starting to write this I spent some time reading some of the stuff I’ve written here so far and it hit me that I’ve done well. Some of the things and emotions I wrote about I had forgotten but now I remembered and realised I’ve spent wonderful three years and now I’m uplifted to hope for an even more wonderful year fulfilling a dream. Today I finished reading James Joyce’s ” A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man” and I felt very connected to Stephen Dedalus and his feelings. I can only hope that a bright future should await him and me alike. There certainly are people who believe it or wish to believe it. But during my three years of life as a student and relatively away from my home and oving family I somehow learned a thing or two about the complicatedness of life and people. And reading about Stephen I realise it’s true – people and their opinions on things and oneself are something not to be allowed to guide one. In other words, I have to stop counting on others and worrying about their feelings and opinions so much, and start depending on myself much more. On the other hand I would never want to be an egotistical maniac listening to me only and isolating myself from the world. I guess that will prove to be a problem of yet unknown proportion considering that I am much more the latter than the first and not sure if the first is all that good anyway. I suppose this is not the time and place to figure out who I am and who I want to be – this is a long process I’ve started since I can remember and though I have made several observations, I will not call it quits, not before the end of this year in Japan ( I am placing great hopes on it) and certainly not before I’m gone from the world entirely, because in truth I don’t believe self-discovery should or can stop, ever. What a blabberishly long sentence, wow. I wanted to quote some of Dedalus’s thoughts, but I decide against it, let those who want to read it find their truths for themselves, I will not press upon which books are good and deserving, I’m not that big on literature. I can only mention if a book has touched me in a way, that’s all. And reading my own stuff proves I like the sound of my own voice, written as it may be. Bad? Ok? Not sure yet..it does brings me some hope and ambition, but only others’ opinion will prove it worthy or not. Once again,a conflict with my own understanding of how much others should influence me. A big one yet to be determined. I guess I’ll stop for now and hope to come back soon with happy reports

Най-добрите ми приятели в момента са извън територията на държавата, две от тях заминаха на една и съща дата, през нощта, и ме оставиха сама, поне докато и аз не замина към далечното и непознатото. И с тях си отлетя и лятото, оставиха ме в есента, под дъжда и в студа…а проблемите са така надвиснали, че дори семейството понякога не стига, за да разсее облаците над главата ми. Очаквам прояснение, но засега вали…

Yeah, today was the day of the big fireworks and the brass orchestra! And it was great Usually I stay home during such events, but today, for some unknown reason (perhaps this being my summer before leaving and all) I went all the way up to the square and spent the evening in the chilly air together with my family and the majority of townfolk, listening to the deafening music under a sky, falling down with colour. It was a great evening! Ever after we sat down and made a list with things to do this September, I’ve calmed down and have been feeling quite the busy bee, trying to get as much of the chores done. We acomplished some today, so I am now basking in the feeling of a day well spent. There is no better feeling in the world, I think, especially if it’s really well deserved. So, I hope now for lots and lots of those days and such emotions in the future ))

In the upcoming year I expect to be doing a lot of  speaking about Japan, and while I’ m certain there would be plenty of thoghts and feelings to share, I figured I needed a separate place for the more practical and more jp-oriented stuff, so I created a new blog for that. For anyone willing to read more about it – I’ll be posting the address soon Till then, all the best!

Boy, has it been a long time since my last entry. A whole summer. And it being the summer before my big going away, things have ben really strange. You know, that bittersweet, lonely, anxious, on the brink of a new, unknown experience kind of strange. And I am enjoying a lot of love and support from my family and friends, but ultimately it is something I have to feel through myself. If I have to summarize the summer, I’d say it left me something to be wanted. It probbly is just the fact that I’m worried about what’s coming ahead, busy calming myself down about the opening night jitters. I hate spending thoughts and emotions on stuff before they happen, then, afterwards, regretting not having spent my time with my family better. I can’t help it, it’s a big leap, I am a worrier, and it’s heavy and I hate it.

On the bright side, my leg is ok now, somehow with the months passing it turned from the center of an agony to a thought at the back of my head, where I like all my knee problems kept. Exluding the major blunder with the esteemed doctor, all news is good in that department. And the whole trip to Pleven made me realize two important things – 1st, how wonderful it is to have a real close friend and 2nd, I need some more breeding. Oh, and one more – it’s high time I got myself together and started preparing for my own personal dreamed of challenge.

My mind cannot fully wrap itself around the idea of what’s ahead, which leaves me to my praying abilities.

Well, I hope it all works out for the best. And out of September I expect a great deal of work done. I want to be worthy of my friends who work hard and make something of their lives.

So, with the minor fact of two more exams to go before the official end of my third year, I have successfully (yeah, an A!!!) gone through the Japanese Language exam, which basically means I am a yonensei now. It’s been tough to get here. But I had loads of fun. The room is white heated and quiet and I feel quite bonyari but happy.

My leg gives me less pain but still worries me. I really do hope it gets independent of the cane soon. In the mean time friends are all around and it’s always nice to see their happy faces.
All that is left right now is to get me a good book to read. Easy.

So, I’m left to enjoy the moment.

mata kondo,ne.

Имаше нещо странно в днешния ден на детето…не се чувствах като дете, беше ми някак тежко и тревожно. Не ядох сладолед. Жалко, трябваше да отбележа празника някак, все пак съм си дете.Но просто не се чувствам така. Нещо ми тежи. Задълженията, самотността. Напоследък сякаш нещо ми липсва, някой ми се изплъзва, май съм изгубила посоката. Надявам се скоро да я намеря, защото времето е тъкмо за вървеж напред, нанякъде.

Иначе се видях със стара приятелка, хубаво е да се поддържат приятелствата, винаги съм го казвала, и сега отново го доказвам. А друга приятелка жъне плодовете на усилията си и се надявам да им се радва както се полага.

Утре ще се видя с още приятели…поне това е планът. Надявам се отново да почувствам онази връзка и топлота, която винаги ме изпълва, когато съм  с тях.

Напоследък преливам от радост по книгите, които чета…те изпълват дните ми на куцане и празнота. Книгите са най-прекрасното нещо. Но ме отклоняват от края на семестъра, трябва да се поогранича. Нека първо свърши успешно годината, пък после ще вдигна reading-party, мое си понятие.

Когато усещам красота, ставам жадна за още…остава ми една, най-силна мечта…някога…

а прилича на зимна приказка…прибрах се в 1 часа през нощта в един от дългите дни,когато се случват хиляди неща, и хубави и лоши, които са смисълът на живота. И ми беше тъжно-красиво. От гледката на белотата, от заминаващите си приятели, от мълчанието. Май прекалявам с него, не знам дори дали приятелите не ме мразят заради него. Трудно е да обичаш някой, който само си мълчи, а аз всъщност имам да кажа толкова много неща и искам да покажа толкова много любов, но някак си не успявам, само ми остава да се надявам че те знаят, че се досещат някъде дълбоко в себе си и затова ме търпят.
Но нямах намерение да говоря така (пак) за себе си. Исках да кажа за страхотните хора, които имам късмета да познавам. Момичето, което е силно и се извисява над лошото и успява; момчето, което има купища приятели, защото намира добра дума за всеки; жената, която има толкова много да каже и затова мълчи, и която обожавам, но от която се и страхувам, защото се чувствам недостойна; момчето, което може и силно да ме обиди и силно да ме зарадва само с една дума и жест и което има добро сърце; приятелката, която е винаги до мен и ме разбира; онези, които не харесвам особено, но които са си все интересни и готини хора; онези,които обичам, но все не мога да им го покажа; онези, които ми подават ръка и очакват толкова много от мен, а дали ще им върна жеста…; онези,които не съм опознала все още, а много, много ми се иска, защото си знам, че ще ги обикна. Котката – той, Люсек , който май ме харесва, а това значи много в този дом и в моето сърце. Учителят, за  когото няма да напиша дневник днес, който сигурно е леко настинал и чете нещо и ме беше страх да видя днес, но много съжалих, че не дойде. За филмите, книгите, нараняванията, нанесени ми от другите и от себе си; за нещата които искам и трябва да науча преди да тръгна на път и след това….за всичко това ми се плаче и усмихва едновременно. Но най-вече ми се спи, затова сега си лягам, пък утрото е по-мъдро от вечерта, нали….дали снегът ще го има и тогава? Или ще си е истинска пролет. Това ли беше последния сняг за годината? най-сетне…или не? Е, при всички случаи, благодаря и се радвам, и съжалявам, и казвам лека нощ.

It’s so wonderful to be a part of a group that is so amazing, to be among people who are so kind and brilliant and special. I feel most grateful for having that. Last night’s party filled my heart with joy to be a part of such a thing. I will never regret the choices that lead me here and carry me forward. It’s good to belong